Master Cleanse Action-Day of quitting :P

This was supposed to be posted a week ago. But I have been busy with catching up work that I lagged behind from the previous week.

I quit and broke out of my cleansing on Day 6. In the morning, I felt a bit energetic, so I went out running for about 40 minutes. During the first three days of breaking out a fast, I wasn't supposed to eat any solid food. So I started from orange juice bought from Trader Joe's. I made a huge pot of vegetable soup that night and also some rice milk.

I had to say that when I first tried my home made rice milk, it felt like the best food I had ever had. :P It was actually nothing but the juice drained from brown rice water blends. Then when I progressed to the vegi soup, it was even better. It tasted so sweet and full. Anyways, that's what happened when you didn't eat for 5 days.

The next day I went to a workshop for teacher development at UCLA extension. During the lunch time I shared a table with other teachers, talking. I didn't dare to try meat but I still dished out some lettuce, a slice of tomato and a spoonful of guacamole, because I didn't want to stand out when people were all happily enjoying free Mexican food for lunch. By that time I hadn't had any solid food yet.

In the end I only got to swallow down the guacamole and perhaps two leaves of the salad. It felt like I forgot how to chew and it took forever for me to chew and swallow down the guacamole. Man I must have looked anorexia to the people at the table, because I barely touched the small pile of my food. I guess it's a touchy topic about eating here so one would be blatant enough like most Chinese people would by asking me out loud, "why didn't you eat?" But I wish some people did so that it wouldn't seem so awkward for me to explain myself.

I stumbled upon this great raw food recipe and I tried it on the third day and it was a blast! To me it looks like a variation of Gazpacho soup, and it's really healthy and yummy. What it requires is a lot of fresh tomato, red and yellow bell pepper, dried tomato, raisin, onion, garlic, basil and some dill.

The source is here, from "The Master Cleanse and Raw Food Bulletin Board", under the "Raw Food Life Style", "Vegetable Soup Recipes" thread:

Abeba and Anna's It's Really Soup:
serves 8 to 10 people

10 to 11 fresh Roma tomatoes, chopped
1/2 red or yellow onion, peeled and chopped
4 cloves garlic, peeled
fresh basil to taste
fresh dill to taste
2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice
Celtic sea salt to taste
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/8 to 1/4 cup raisins
1 to 2 red bell peppers
1/4 jalapeno pepper (optional) (i used habenero because i love spicy!)
1 cup sun-dried tomatoes, finely chopped then divided
1 avacado cubed
1 ear of corn cut from the cob
1/2 sweet yellow pepper
finely chopped parsley for garnish


In a blender combine 6 of the tomatoes with the onion, garlic, basil, dill, lemon juice, sea salt, olive oil, raisins, red bell pepper, jalapeno, and 1/2 cup water.
Blend well.

Add 1/2 cup of the sun dried tomatoes, a little at a time. Blend well.

In a large bowl, combine the avocado, remaining fresh and dried tomatoes, corn and the sweet yellow pepper. Pour the blended mixture over the chopped veggies and stir well. Garnish with parsley.

(My own note: let the soup sit overnight in the fridge so that the ingredients can blend together).

This soup I happily enjoyed during the third and fourth of my post-MC days.

I also found another recipe of Gazpacho that doesn't require dried tomato, which I found it a bit expensive to buy. It's from Simply Recipes, a food blog that I really like.

Master Cleanse Action-Day 5

Romans 14:22-23 "So whatever you believe about these things, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves."

I have been feeling emotional ups and downs due to the MC. The first three days were the hardest, having cravings all the time. I felt frustrated with myself because I chose to do this but I couldn't keep up with it too well. I could have stopped any time, but then I felt like I had to go on.

My biggest fear during MC is the feeling of hunger. I had very low tolerance for hunger. I know people get grumpy if they are hungry. But whenever I feel hungry, there's a deeper fear that drives me to eat immediately (if I am allowed to), even it's in the middle of the night. I'm not over-weight so I know it's okay to do so.

With hunger, it's a mixed feeling.

I remember my first chemo. My brother brought my favorite comfort food-chicken curry take out (from a Japanese restaurant we used to frequent), to the hospital. I remember vividly, that I looked at the once my favorite food, totally having no appetite at all. At that moment I was trying to remember what else I would like to eat. But all the food on my favorite list seemed to lose their tastes. That was a scary thing to find out. I didn't even feel hungry given the fact that I had nothing in my stomach for days. Eating was painful because my body totally rejected intake of food.

My appetite usually came back couple days after the therapy. I kinda built up a way of "nurturing" the thought of eating by imagining the food, and the taste. Even though I might throw up due to the effect of medication, I would force myself down some food (usually by the urge of my mom. :p).

I guess the master cleanse brings up some unhappy food memory from me, especially the long count-down of the days left. That was exactly what I used to do, when I was having chemo and waiting for the days to pass by.

Today I read in Romans 12, about the dispute on food that Paul was trying to settle with the Romans. It's not exactly like my situation, but I feel encouraged. I know if I drop it today, I don't have to feel bad like I abandon an opportunity for better health, or I'm just simply not hard willed person. Nor should I feel condemned if I continue but still wanting to break it (which I know I will). I feel God has given me the freedom to choose what I approve is the best way.

Anyways, I still couldn't decide whether I want to quit or not, up till this moment.

Today I made 105 oz of lemonade. But I think my body doesn't need it as much as the days before so I probably won't drink it all.

Master Cleanse Action-Day 4

Last night I felt like I just wanted to quit.

After talking to couple people, including my mom, I decided that I will give it a try and continue. I found Day 4 is a lot more bearable than the past three days. Even the salt water in the morning tastes better. I tried using hot water to dissolve the sea salt, and then drinking it from a soup bowl and a spoon, just pretending it was a bowl of hot soup. Today I did find it taste a lot more like soup.

I have this mixed feelings towards my MC action. On one hand, I miss food very much, and I have cravings all day long. (Ok, maybe not all day, but quiet sometime whenever I don't have to concentrate on my work). Eating is such a social thing, I realize. I hang out with friends by going to a coffee shop, and having meals together. I enjoy eating food and talking about food with other people. On the other hand, I do enjoy the way my body feels now. Very strangely, I had so little everyday but I was able to work and function. I feel tired sometimes but the tiredness is not like the tiredness that I had before cleansing diet. When I drink more lemonade and then I would feel energized again. My eyes seem to feel better. I don't know if my eyesight gets better, but at least I was able to work in front of computer without my eyes getting sored or feeling burned.

Part of me says, "heck, I'm gonna quit tomorrow and go eat whatever!" (I know eating normal food right away is dangerous and of course I won't do that). Part of me wants to wait and see. I was expecting some crazy symptom break-outs on me. But I have encountered any yet. That got me to wonder, maybe I wasn't that toxic at all...:P But I still have couple days to see if anything happens.

工作

也許有些朋友已經知道，我現在工作的狀況不算太穩定。有一部分是語教的生態，一部分是我大概也沒積極(仔細打算?)找別的產業的工作。這時候轉回去從商或一般公司好像我也還沒太大勇氣。
所以我目前是靠打不同零工維生…:p

昨天接到工作的公司HR的電話。她告訴我有個三個月的專案需要用到懂中文的人，而且是全天，需要進公司的工作。薪水的話，比我現在在家做高一點點，但是我兼職在家只能做一定時數，最高也只能三十小時。如果我要做這個專案的話，可以接下來三個月進公司，然後做完了再轉回在家做的兼職工作。HR其實告訴了我她「不保証」的內線消息。如果做得好的話，這三個月的專案也許會延長。

這聽起來當然很誘人啊。薪水高了點，又有免費公司飯可吃。我想著的是滿櫃的Naked Juice。

HR附帶告訴我，「但是啊，這工作，有時會需要處理一些成人網頁喔。」

我知道像我們這種網頁人工苦力，是會有這種風險的。我簽合約的時候，公司也很那個的讓我簽署，"我已被告知並了解這工作可能有成人網頁等不宜畫面"以歸避責任。不過，因為前面有電腦程式還有工程師好幾線防護擋下來，我到現在還沒有遇到那種不宜的畫面，而且如果我可以預知網頁會怪怪的，可以拒絕打開，讓不在意的人去看。

因此我問HR是否這工作像我現在做的一樣。她說，我可能沒辦法逃得掉，因為這是比較前線的工作，一定會遇到。我接著問她比例有多少，她問了專案裡的人以後，告訴我，「大概百分之二十五上下吧...」


我其實當場就覺得不能接受，只是太快拒絕也不好，所以告訴她我想一想，第二天告訴她要不要。

心裡覺得，如果我是一個男生，又喜歡看A片的話，那麼這大概是世界上最好的工作吧。

不過在公司裡，電腦螢幕又那麼大，最近一次去看，因為公司暑期生要進來的關系，全部的遊戲休閒空間都變成辦公桌了，一台又一台電腦螢幕擠在一起，我就不相信再喜歡看成人網頁的人可以安心看下去。被同事看到大概會不好意思吧…


當然這工作不是那麼成人啦。它是一個正常的工作，人工辨識網頁之類罷了。只不過網路世界那麼大，網路色情其實在其中也占很大一部分比率。就比率來看，大概一般網頁裡一定有部分是那樣的東西吧。

以一個基督徒來講，我不想讓自己受到情慾的攪擾，即便我都結婚了。另一方面我自己都那麼努力要淨化身体，過健康的生活，實在很不想讓扭曲的畫面和價值觀讓我的心思也受到影響。只能感恩這個抉擇不是太難。如果我是那種急著要 工作，房租繳不出來，或必須要拿工作簽証待下來，也許這工作的誘感對我就會很大。

我當初很希望能夠有on-site的工作的，但我今天還是打電話去推掉了。

Master Cleanse Action-Day1 through Day3

Day 1

I was surprised that I didn't feel too hungry. I drank about 90oz of the lemonade constantly throughout the day.

Day 2

After taking the "Salt Water Flush", I pretty much spent the whole morning on cleansing. In the afternoon I was experiencing tiredness at around 4:30pm. I went to take a nap, but when I woke up it's already 7pm! :P

Another 90 oz lemonade today.

Day 3

SWF is getting better. At least it's more bearable. I tried putting the salt water in a soup bowl and drank it with a spoon. It's better than drinking it from a glass. At least I can pretend that I'm just drinking soup. :-P

I'm going to take a walk for 40 minutes, getting more lemon and maple syrup from a nearby Trader Joe's and exercise a bit. I will probably leave at around 4:30 pm to fight back my usually sleepiness.

Master Cleanse Action

My last post was about my nostalgia for food that I had since childhood. The reason why I blogged about the topic was because I made this decision to go on a cleansing diet for 10 days, starting on Sunday. Out of some sort of lamentation, I started to remember all the food that I liked. I have mentally prepared myself for a whole week. After all, it's not an easy thing to go on eating minimal (almost nothing) for such a long period of time. I found it even harder to tell people what I was doing. "Why do you want to do it?""Can you really live on that (drink)?"

It's a fasting type of diet called "Master Cleanse", based on a booklet "The Master Cleanser" by Stanley Burroughsby.

Following the instructions, one can eliminate toxic and wastes stored in the body by fasting for a long period of time. The only energy source comes from a proportioned lemonade, made of fresh lemon juice, grade B maple syrup, water, and a bit of cayenne pepper. There are forums here and there discussing the related issues and practices.

It's not a brand new idea to me. Many years ago, I got hit by cancer and had tried so many organic, healthy diet or products. I was quite young when it happened and my family started getting books, tapes, and information about fighting cancer and raw food diet. My family had tried some extreme diet with me, drinking organic mix vegi-fruit blends, eating all sorts of sprouts,no white sugar, wheat flour, and becoming straight vegan for many months. (Meat was too good to resist after I got better, but I still tried to restrain my consumption if I had choices).

However, ever since I came to the States, my diet has changed a lot. I learn to love a variety of cheese (which you can't find too easily in Taiwan). I learn to drink Coke and soda (which I couldn't even endure for half a can). I learn to eat sweet things, and I start to love hamburger, and chips, etc....=p

I guess it's time to cut off the ties between me and those foods. I want to get a fresh taste on things. My friends who had done the MC told me that they tended to eat more raw food and appreciate the taste more after the cleansing. It's like building a habit. I remember starting to like the taste of whole grains after eating them for couple weeks. So I believe that eating habit can be changed by discipline.

Another reason for doing this is just out of curiosity. I am curious, how long can I handle the temptation of food and carrying out my goal? A lot of religious practices sometimes involve fasting. I wonder what does a hungry body do to you spiritually?

Master Cleanse is really a discipline for me. The lemonade actually tastes quite good, but it's not satisfying. I missed being able to chew on things. During the day I wasn't tempted by food too much. The first day I was able to watch Nick gulping down a Vietnamese sandwich (one of my favorite food) during lunch, and eating chicken nuggets and fries while I'm sitting at the table with him. The second day I went to "Whole Foods" to get lemon and laxative tea supply. The whole market was filled with people and food smell during lunch hours. I walked pass a self-serving food court and I was able to look at the food. But then during the night, when I went to bed, the images of food started to haunt me. I had craving for weirdest things. I had craving for "Claim Jumper" (which I had only been there once), shrimp cracker, Vietnamese pho, corn, dumplings, tofu, kimchi...

饞嘴

我老媽常常說(也不知道她從哪聽來的)，人的口味，愛吃什麼樣的東西，是十八歲以前就註定好的。

其實十八歲還算晚的呢，有些食物對我來講，好像更早便在我的胃口裡占了一席之地。也許中間的歲月忘記了對它們的喜 好，然而在成年後，卻發現這些味道在我的味覺裡，好像某些開關被不經意地開啟，一一回籠了。

其中一樣便是蝦味先。 洋芊片這種東西好像小學時 才第一次吃到。那時候垃圾食物不是乖乖，就是蝦味先。乖乖老是用裡面贈送的廉價小玩具來吸引顧客。可是我一點都不被這些物質所迷惑。我還是喜歡蝦味先多一點。外曾祖母有時會從口袋裡掏出一個銅板來給我當零用錢。那時的五元很大，可以買到乖乖，但是買不到蝦味先。要買得再等另一個銅板的出現。這是四歲的第一堂經濟學(延遲消費的概念)。蝦味先似乎從來沒換過包裝，背面那「連阿公也搶著吃」的漫畫，這麼多年後依然深印心中。上了小學以後，染上了同學間虛華的風氣，遠足再也沒出現過國產零嘴，取而代之的是進口洋芊片和高級糖果。那又土又不上道又廉價的蝦味先包裝出現在背包裡居然成了種羞恥。

小時候並沒有太多的糖果餅乾，也很少吃到巧克力糖。很多孩子都愛吃甜食，可是幼時的我印象中對太甜的東西並不是非常喜愛。我反倒喜歡酸甜味道的東西，像是瑞士糖(那種過年才會有人送，裝在鐵盒裡，五顏六色的臘紙包著方形扁平狀的水果糖。糖果吃完鐵盒還可拿來裝別的東西)。外公外婆家住在百果山附近，許多蜜餞加工廠聚集處。在那個年代，(現在不知道了), 出遠門回來，或 是登門拜訪人家，總是要帶伴手。蜜餞就是一個滿好的選擇。最喜歡打開來看著五顏六色的蜜餞，然後直攻我最喜歡的芒果乾。這裡的雜貨店賣的芒果乾根本敵不過那記憶中的芒果乾。長條狀帶著晶瑩澄黃色澤的芒果乾，甜香中帶著芒果特有 的香氣，吃起來酸，卻又不是乾話梅那種叫人眉頭一皺酸到想大叫的酸。甜，又不像是美國蜜李乾prune那種死甜。用牙籤小心插起分開帶點黏稠的芒果乾，再迅速放在已經張大等著食物的嘴裡(因為用牙籤吃蜜餞很難用，一不小心就會掉下來)，那種幸福的滋味是很難形容的。


因為常跟著阿公跟進跟出，我也習得了他的飲食習慣。我的阿公很喜歡竹筍，特別是筍乾。他一直到現在還是很挑嘴，只要有筍乾出現，他大概只吃那道菜。筍乾有很多種，我只吃愛吃那種「嘉義火雞肉飯」那類的小吃攤賣的，用雞油還是什麼雞雜煮出來的那種黃黃油油亮亮的筍乾。我可以一直吃，一直吃，每次都告訴自己這是最後一塊了不要再吃了，但是還是停不下來。也許這是貧乏的日子裡餐桌常見的食物，但我因此而養成的偏好卻是延續到許久以後。到我五歲離開阿公阿嬤家，我可以說筍乾對我一直到現在是種特別的情感，不只是熟悉的味道，而是很奇特的記憶。


來洛杉磯念書的時候，打包行李時，老媽塞給我一包阿嬤做的菜脯(蘿蔔乾)。因為阿嬤自製的蘿蔔乾又香又好吃，也比外頭賣的衛生健康，這麼多年來，家中的人從來沒買過外頭做的蘿蔔乾。我雖然很愛蘿蔔乾煎蛋，但是當時我滿腦子只擔心蘿 蔔乾這種又是農產品，又有怪味道的東西，進關時被查出怎麼辦?(我想像那些機場專嗅毒品的狗…「咦…這是什麼味道?好臭!」) 很難跟一直塞東西給我的媽媽爭論，只好把包得密密實實但還是聞得出味道的蘿蔔乾放在行李最外層。那種味道其實也不能算臭，只是一種聞得出來鹽分很重的酸臭。我才不想被搜出來查封之前還給一行李箱衣物留下怪味呢。

成功帶進關以後，我一直把它放在冰箱裡，很久沒動它。直到有一天被來訪的Nick翻冰箱幫我找東西時發現。「這是什麼? 可以吃嗎?」我解釋了一陣，後來乾脆做成菜脯蛋給他吃。本以為這種怪味奇物他一定不敢吃的。沒想到我完全低估了他的能納。他一吃，完全驚為天人。

******************************************************************
Nick其實很難養胖。太累了，不吃。心情不好，不吃。懶得做飯，不吃。忙過頭忘了該吃飯，不吃。其實他這種行為有點像小孩。該吃的時候不吃，等到了要睡覺的時候，便哀哀叫他肚子好餓。既然餓，那就找東西吃吧。「不要，好麻煩 。」那不要吃好了。「可是我好餓。」常常得跟他一起陷入這種思考輪迴，直到他睡著。

昨天晚上又是這樣的一個日子。他說他肚子怪怪的，所以不想吃東西。到了晚上十點，「我肚子餓了。」「那很好啊，要喝我晚上做的雞湯嗎?」「不要。」「搞什麼，是你下午說要喝雞湯所以我才燉的。」我心裡這麼想，也說了出來。他只好不斷道歉。一邊解釋說他只是正好胃口不好，一邊有點不好意思地說，「我突然…很想吃那個有蘿蔔乾的蛋耶…」

這小子…難得他肯吃東西，又是這種阿嬤做的特殊台灣味，當然馬上下廚給他煎了一大盤「菜脯蛋」。

客人來訪的周末

星期六Nick的妹妹和妹婿從華盛頓州來南加州拜訪我們。Nick妹愛美一個人跑去外州上大學，念大一的時候，Nick在台灣。之後和男友大衛交往，假期佳節通常都是和大衛的家人一起過，很少飛回加州來，倒是她爸媽常上華盛頓州玩，順便去看她。因此她們這次來訪是我們第三次見面。第一次是五年前的聖誕節在Nick爸媽家。我們四個一起去迪士尼玩了一天。第二次便是一年多前婚禮上。他們早在我們半年前結了婚，婚禮上我跟Nick忙到昏頭，當時他們兩個很貼心的幫我們接待台灣來的家人，跑腿買東西，大衛還幫我們主持婚宴。我媽還對大衛印象超好。娃娃臉，人又高，講起話來溫溫和和的，大概很少台灣中年婦女不喜歡這種型的男生。

姻親與家人的關係我覺得很多時候得隨緣。畢竟有時候距離遠，又不見得常見面或一定氣味相投。不過我倒是抱著開放的心，當作是去認識朋友。Nick跟妹妹差了四歲，小時候兩個人總是習慣惡整捉弄對方。上大學以後兩人都離了家，很少見面，妹妹一畢業就結婚，Nick又娶了個外國老婆，兩人的經歷與變化也算大的了。所以他們都還在摸索該怎麼對待彼此。第一次見面的時候，我居然目睹了兩人在院子裡追逐互丟水球互射水槍，被媽媽出面喝止的畫面。坐在車上出遊的時候，珍轉過頭來看後座的Nick和愛美，發現他們互相捏來捏去，只好搖頭:「你們已經幾歲了啊，我怎麼好像又看到兩個十歲的小孩在後座打來打去?」我也搞不清楚為何他們兄妹相面年紀常有倒退的傾向。第二次見面又過了好幾年，愛美結婚了，我們也正準備結婚，他們的兄妹關係似乎比較成熟一點。

這一次見面，我們有比較多的時間閒聊，聊工作，聊未來。愛美和大衛都是老師，一個準備當特教老師，一個是小學老師，跟我還算有些共通之處。他們兩個人都不太喜歡逛美術館。加上又遇到復活節與星期一，一些玩樂的音樂俱樂部或非美術館的展場不是沒節目就是沒開張。比自然風光，洛杉磯比起西雅圖來真是又禿又醜。所以我們好像除了在家聊天玩益智遊戲以外，真是沒處去了。星期天下午Nick帶他們兩個去參觀了一下Google，四個人在辦公室玩Wii，倒也極盡無聊之能事。後來在海邊逛了一下，就回家了。星期一也是這樣努力想找事情做。我們開車到Venice海邊晃，順便逛逛Main Street上面的個性小店，看看像西門町一樣奇形怪狀的服裝店櫥窗。一邊走的時候，我才意識到其實在陽光與海風下逛著這樣悠閒的小街還滿不錯的，早知道以前住這附近的時候該常來，到海邊跑跑步或是坐咖啡館看看書也好。

不過我們才在陽光下兩個小時而已，他們三個人就已經曬傷了，回到家臉紅通通像蝦子一樣。就只有我，皮膚黑，什麼事也沒有…:P

愛美和大衛可惜住得太遠了，真希望有更多機會認識他們。

火山爆發的早晨

我一直覺得我的脾氣還不錯。看過我生氣的朋友大概真的很幸運。(又或許很倒霉)不過今天早晨發生的事情，讓我意識到，也許我對憤怒的管制並不太好。這一陣子教會裡的主日信息都跟處理憤怒(Anger)有關。其實生氣、憤怒是人類正常的情緒。但是生氣完以後，接下來我們選擇的態度就跟我們內在的健康與成熟度有很多的關係。路上被超車總是讓人心情不好，但是到狂罵髒話，回家踢小狗上班罵秘書就有一點問題了。

每天早上本來跟Nick有個約定是，一起床兩人皆不可用電腦，尤其他不可看部落格，玩電動，我則是不收信不看部落格bbs之類的東西。不做這些事那要做什麼? 我們約好各自看自己的聖經靈修。這是為了我們一天能有個好的開始而做的約定。

今天一起床，便發現nick在玩他的Urban Dead, 一個網路虛擬遊戲。我一看，「喂，你怎麼在玩這個呢?」Nick抬起頭來，不好意思的看著我，「可是酒吧外頭有個僵屍耶，我再殺一個就好。」他跟我耍賴皮。(註:這個遊戲完全沒有圖像，只有選單可選進攻躲避，一切用想像的。真的很虛擬)。我勸不動，心想算了。結果開始收起信件。到了他準備出門上班，我開始移往他的電腦桌準備開始做我的工作。因為他的螢幕大，我的工作又需要看很多網頁，我通常喜歡用他的電腦做現在這分兼差的工作。我一坐下來，他開始幫我清桌子。這傢伙很喜歡泡完了茶就把用完的茶葉倒出來看，不知道看些什麼。一個晚上下來，他的桌上到了早上就會有一小墩茶葉乾在那裡。他趕緊把桌上的茶葉掃除乾淨，一搬開，我才發現下面是一疊我另一分工作的合約，被茶漬弄髒了。我一看大驚，怒火馬上像岩漿衝頂，爆了開來。「你怎麼沒有仔細看就把茶葉茶壺亂擺咧? 這是很重要的文件耶!」也許我不該把東西擺在他桌上的。但是我平常在家用他的桌子辦公打電話做雜事，昨天下午就正好拿出合約打電話問學校一些表格的問題，也就從那時候一直擺在那裡。Nick像做錯事的小孩，一直跟我道歉，我一邊生氣一邊自顧做自己的事情不想回應。我氣到不想講話，氣也還沒消，坐下來開始用電腦，準備上班。Nick一邊幫我把電腦設定好，一邊從旁邊看我在做什麼。我的工作跟評點網頁有關，他看我點選了網頁，便開始出主意。「妳其實不用點那個網頁啊，這個評比直接給xx等級就好了 。」我聽了怒火又上升，只是沒發作，等他走出書房門口我忍不住大聲地說，「你那麼行那這個工作讓給你來做好了!」他一聽，嚇得本來要進廁所又衝出來，「怎麼啦，我還是惹妳生氣了嗎? 我說了我以後會小心一點的啦…」他這一說，我便霹靂啪啦連環爆裂。

我會這麼生氣是有原因的啦。這分兼職的工作其實本來是一個全職的工作。薪水不頂高，又是領時薪，沒保險沒福利。但是因為它涉及到對英語語言語意的掌握度，以及所處文化的敏銳度。對一個美國人來說，是很自然的事。對我這個外國人，就可能有點隔層紗。雖然我可以很努力的學，去查，去google，但是肯定沒辦法做得像美國人那麼快。但是這工作其實重複性很高，進入障礙非常低，所以取代性想當然耳也很高。我面試到第三關，做了一堆測驗以後，公司的人告訴我，我跟別人比起來比較會有語意和文化不熟悉的問題。結果到最後這個工作變成兼職在家做，而且本來已經很少的時薪馬上再少了三分之一。

我一方面擔心工作不保，一方面發現Nick就算沒讀完指導手則，也可以隨便上手(又或是他只是很有自信的隨便放屁)。另外我也很討厭有人告訴我該怎麼做。我有我做事的方法，我自信我做的評比是合理的，你又沒讀完指導手則，憑什麼來指導我。你愛做的話，那讓給你做吧!

我一股腦地把我的擔憂鬱悶("搞什麼，我居然連個全職工作都找不到!")、不滿情緒一口氣一併宣洩出來。至少在我以前成長的家裡，不滿與憤怒是得一口氣吼完的，不然對方不是搞不清楚你在生氣，就是也跟著生氣而一起吼，這樣開始吼來吼去以後，如果對方更大聲，就沒人聽得懂你在吼什麼。不過逮到先發機會怒吼不代表你贏了。對方通常會跟著生氣，接著怒吼回來。接著又是數場來回。結局是甩門或拿不值錢的用品開刀。

怒吼完以後，我安靜下來，等著接招。腦海中開始出現一個人狂吼的畫面。

沒想到nick拉了椅子在我對面坐下，不疾不徐地說:「看起來我好像做了一些舉動傷害了妳，可是我一點都沒意識到。我真的很對不起。」他把椅子又拉得更近一點，「你知道我一直都是站在鼓勵妳，幫助妳的立場，對不對?」 (我點了點頭，顯得有點困惑。搞不清楚為什麼他沒像我腦海中那個狂吼的人一樣)。「我幫妳出主意的時候，完全只是想幫助妳，沒有要讓妳難堪的意思…」他把手環繞在我的肩膀上，繼續說，「對不起，我以後會小心尊重妳的工作，不會再幫妳出主意了。妳可以原諒我嗎?」這個轉折有點太突然了，我還沒辦法決定到底要繼續生氣還是停止生氣，可是腎上腺素出動也不是一兩秒鐘就可以平復下來，只好擠出了個「嗯…」。後來過了好一陣子，「好啦，我原諒你啦。」不過我臉上的表情和身体的動作並沒有太多原諒。Nick又擺出天真的表情說，「啊，我知道了，你是不是理性上原諒我了，感性上還沒那麼快恢復啊?」這小子真會給我台階下，我趕快應道，「對啦對啦。」

就這樣，本來是應該是個火山爆發後，岩漿飛濺的早晨，就這麼又歸於平靜。

我用白天的時間思考了這件事的經過，發現我的情緒對於憤怒似乎處理得不好，很容易一下子升高到跟引發憤怒情緒的情境不成比例的程度。而且我似乎已經習慣於對家人大吼以表達深度不滿。也許我在另一個家，每個人都不太會去体察甚至忽略別人的感受，因此如果不用劇烈的方式表達，沒有人知道我正處在不愉快當中。而對方也很容易因為看不出我的不滿，而單單對我的憤怒情緒生氣。

但在我現在的家庭裡，我很高興地發現我可以有不同的處理方式。我不需要大聲講話，也可以表達我的不滿，而且我的不滿並不會同時引發對方的不滿。原來我還是有選擇的，而不是老用舊有的模式面對人際相處。想到這點，我為Nick穩定的情緒和不同生長背景而感恩。我也很謝謝他多為我在家耽擱了一陣子，解決好衝突以後才去上班。

晚上，我提到早上的事情和我的反省:「我覺得我的怒氣有時候好像高過合理程度耶…這部分我覺得很抱歉。」他有點不敢直接同意，「好像…是耶。不過我已經原諒妳了。」我想我真得還是有待修鍊吧。

隨意拌韓式拌飯bibim bap

這是我最喜歡的韓式料理之一。僅次於豆腐鍋和韓國烤肉(哈哈…由此可知我的韓國料理經驗只是一般而已)。
家裡沒有石鍋，只有大碗。反正取其精神即可。


這道菜的關鍵是韓式辣醬。而且必是這個牌子。


一位熟悉韓國料理的朋友幫我從韓國超市的架上指認出來。看照片即可知道如果我自己去買一定沒輒…因為全部是韓文而且一整排架子都是這樣一罐又一罐、從韓國來的醬料，連個英文也沒有!!

本食譜是參考「小小米桶的寫食廚房」而來的。我的食譜比較像是清冰箱用的。冰箱有什麼菜可以丟進去拌的都被我拿出來用了。分量也很隨意，反正喜歡吃什麼就多放一點什麼。我喜歡吃生的菜，菜放太多的結果是，做出來比較像是飯拌在菜裡。

材料:
豬肉三兩
小黃瓜
紅蘿蔔
韓國泡菜(白菜)、
豆芽
海帶芽
生菜
香菇(新鮮或乾躁都可以。我只有乾的)
蛋

調味料:
韓式辣醬
味噌
麻油
太白粉
糖
米酒
蒜蓉

作法:
1. 豬肉稍微凍一下，(比較好切)切成薄片，用米酒一大匙、糖一大匙、醬油兩大匙、麻油一大匙、太白粉半大匙、蒜蓉(約兩顆蒜頭)醃個二十分。
2. 香菇泡水，切成細絲。
3. 醃肉的同時，將小黃瓜、紅蘿蔔、泡菜(汁不要倒掉，留起備用)、生菜全部切成細絲，在大碗裡面排好。海帶芽用水發好，跟豆芽一樣用熱水快速燙過一下。一起排入碗中。
4. 起油鍋將香菇絲爆香，加入肉片翻炒。倒入泡菜汁後，炒至肉全熟。將肉盛起，排入碗中。
5. 拌飯醬料: 以韓式辣醬三分，味噌一分的比例，混合。一邊加入一至二大匙的冷開水、並加點麻油。這是參考上面的食譜的結果。但我覺得加入味噌味道太鹹了。下一次我可能只用韓式辣醬，或是味噌只用到辣醬的六分之一。
6.最後煎個蛋，鋪在大碗上。將白米飯倒入大碗，加上辣醬，努力的拌，就成了韓式拌飯了。我喜歡半生不熟的蛋黃淋在飯上的感覺，所以我煎了個糖心蛋放在我的大碗上。泡菜和蔬菜的爽脆、又熱又鬆的白飯混著蛋黃的滋味加上香辣的辣醬，簡直是人間美味啊。